Definitions

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ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing 
in the middle. 

BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where some women go to dye. 

CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people. 

CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they 
are dead. 

COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours. 

DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out. 

EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation. 

HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage. 

INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper. 

MYTH: A female moth. 

MOSQUITO: An insect that makes flies look good after all. 

RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn. 

SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time. 

SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off. 

TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction. 

TOMORROW: One of today's greatest labour saving devices. 

YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed. 

WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines. 

AUTHOR  A writer with connections in the publishing industry. 

BOSS  A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to 
live in free societies. 

CHILDHOOD  The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest 
on a drug or weapons charge. 

DENIAL  How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist. 

EXPERIENCE  In the working world, something you can't get unless you've 
already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it. 

FITNESS  Salvation through perspiration. 

GOURMET  A food fetishist. 

HOOKER  A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for 
even less. 

IDEOLOGUE  Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by 
spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots. 

JEANS  Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half 
being the zits. 

KLEPTOMANIAC  A thief with breeding. 

LABORATORY ANIMALS  Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. 
Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives 
so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo. 

MARTIAL ARTS  A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting 
largely of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to 
look at but disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with 
a semi-automatic. 

NEIGHBORS  The strangers who live next door. 

ORGASM  The punchline some women just don't get, generally because their 
mates have a tendency to rush through the joke. 

PARASITE  A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others, 
like a tapeworm or a biographer. 

QUAGMIRE  Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a 
guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman. 

REDNECK  Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when 
addressing one in person. 

SMILE  To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill 
toward a fellow human. 

TRAILER PARKS  Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast 
American hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and 
tornadoes gravitate like flies to roadkill. 

UNWED MOTHER  One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, 
without the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will. 

VOTING  The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as 
long as they do it alone. 

WHITE SUPREMACISTS  The most convincing argument against the theory of 
white racial superiority. 

X-RAY  A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and 
create new ones for future examinations to reveal. 

Y-CHROMOSOME  A line of defective genes designed for men only; the cause 
of virility, war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a 
disinclination to ask for directions when lost. 

ZOO  A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for 
depriving animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their 
natural habitats. 

Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the 
better attorney. 

Deja Moo:  The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before. 

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. 

Sarchasm:  The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader
who doesn't get it.

Reintarnation:  Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti:  Vandalism spray-painted very high.

Foreploy:  Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
obtaining sex.

Inoculatte:  To take coffee intravenously.

Osteopornosis:  A degenerate disease.

Dopeler effect:  The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.

Glibido:  All talk and no action.

Intaxication:  Euphoria at getting a refund from the IRS, which lasts
until you realize it was your money to start with.

Ignoranus:  A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Arbi-trator \ar'-bi-tray-ter\: A cook that leaves Arby's
   to work at McDonald's.

Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize \bur'-gler-ize\: What a crook sees with

Control \kon-trol'\: A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers \: Workers who put
   together kitchen cabinets

Eclipse \i-klips'\: what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes \hee'-rhos\: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank \left' bangk'\: what the robber did when
   his bag was full of loot

Misty \mis'-tee\: How golfers create divots

Paradox \par'-u-doks\: two physicians

Parasites \par'-uh-sites\: what you see from
   the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: a helper on the farm

Polarize \po'-lur-ize\: what penguins see with

Primate \pri'-mat\: removing your spouse
   from in front of the TV

Relief \ree-leef'\: what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress \seem'-stres\: describes 250 pounds in a size six

Selfish \sel'-fish\: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued \sub-dood'\: like, a guy, like, works on one
   of those, like, submarines, man

Sudafed \sood'-a-fed\: bringing litigation against
   a government official

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
female: Any part under a car's hood.
male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
male: Playing football without a helmet.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's
partner.
male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a
weekend with the boys.

BUTT (but) n
female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured
makes "look bigger."
male: what you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun,
or goal. Also good for mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
male: Anything that can be done while drinking

FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and
male bonding.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
male: Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2&1/2
min.

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