Tips For Evil Cult Members

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Tips for Evil Cult Members:
Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an
amateur.

Tips for Evil Cult Members:
Familiarize yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and
ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into
the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-specs work is death and/or
mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity.

Tips for Evil Cult Members:
Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your
deity's name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public.
Flash cards are often helpful.

Tips for Evil Cult Members:
Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the
survival rate of the other people who have undergone
the procedure.

Tips for Evil Cult Members:
Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such groups usually
employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.

Tips for Evil Cult Members:
Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this
strongly enough.

Tips for Evil Cult Members:
Pastel coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct
sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.

Tips for Evil Cult Members:
Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly
creatures.

Tips for Evil Cult Members:
When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest.
Enraged demons always go for the pompous.

Tips for Evil Cult Members:
When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES.
Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed
this simple safety tip.

Tips for Evil Cult Members:
During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally
considered "bad form."

Tips for Evil Cult Members:
Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When
the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to
discern between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver
bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few
hours, some B-complex, and a good, hot bath.

Tips for Evil Cult Members:
For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is not available,
the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a
previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it.
However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam is unacceptable.

Tips for Evil Cult Members:
Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal, and
innocent (and tend to turn out to be the hero's girlfriend), see if you
can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, accordion players, politicians,
nightclub owners, bartenders, or any other people who won't be missed.

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