Unattributed "I've Learned"

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I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.  All you can do 
is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only 
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they 
are more fucked up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're 
finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are 
celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship 
is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of 
money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when 
you're down will be the ones who do.

I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their
dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, 
they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken 
from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned to say "Fuck 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  I STARTED out with nothing....I still have most of it.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  All reports are in.  Life is now officially unfair.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  The first rule of holes:  If you are in one.....stop digging.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  It was all so different before everything changed.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  Some days you're the dog.  Some days you're the hydrant.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  I wish the buck stopped here.  I could use a few......

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop 
at the end.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the
bathroom.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else
decide to play chess?

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  It's not hard to meet expenses....they're everywhere.

Now that I'm older, I've discovered that:
  The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

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