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A mineral matter of various composition, when engaged in periodical 
revolutions, exhibits no tendency to accumulate any bryophytes of the 
class Musci. 

A trainstation is where a train stops. 
A bus station is where a bus stops. 
I have a workstation in the office. 

It's hard to write foolproof software because there are so many fools, 
and they are very inventive. 

1. Wild Enthusiasm 
2. Fear of Impending Doom 
3. Search for the Guilty 
4. Persecution of the Innocent 
5. Rewards for the Undeserving 

When they took the fourth amendment, I was quiet because I don't deal drugs. 
When they took the sixth amendment, I was quiet because I'm innocent. 
When they took the second amendment, I was quiet because I don't own a gun. 
Now they've taken the first 

You know what they say about paradigms 
  Shift Happens 

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt. 

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 

It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done 
and what you're going to do. 

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month 
than you did before. 

The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get. 

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 

Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will 
happen to you the rest of the day. 

When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking 
about themselves. 

If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool 
about it. 

There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the 
boss asks for a ride home from the office. 

Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 

Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous." 

To err is human, to forgive is not our policy. 

Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 

If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really 
good, you will get out of it. 

You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 

If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the 
number of pens that person is carrying. 

When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 

When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily be 
reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?" 

The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for 
everything that goes wrong. 

The last time we mixed politics & religion, people got burned at the stake. 

I'm sorry I missed church - I was busy practicing witchcraft & becoming a 

Two wrongs are only the beginning... 

Why be born again, when you can just *grow up*?!? 

Minds are like books - they only work when they're open. 

My body's not a temple - it's an amusement park. 

A fine is a tax for breaking the law; 
a tax is a fine for obeying the law. 

Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it 
holds the universe together. 

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my 
contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the 
spinal cord would fully suffice. 
  -- Albert Einstein 

To the question of your life you are the answer, and to the problems of 
your life you are the solution. 

A mind is a terrible thing to ... OOOOH a new video game! 

Do not stand at my grave and weep.  I am not there.  I do not sleep. 
I am a thousand winds that blow.  I am the diamond glints on snow. 
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.  I am the gentle autumn rain. 
When you awaken in the morning's hush, I am the swift uplifting rush 
of quiet birds in circling flight.  I am the soft star that shines at night. 
Do not stand at my grave and cry.  I am not there.  I did not die. 

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm 

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese 

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week 

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met 

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol 

I intend to live forever - so far, so good 

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy 

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 

Mental backup in progress - Do Not Disturb! 

Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty And Illegal In 37 States 

Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of 

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have 

Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion. 

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. 

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 

When the rapture come, can I have your car? 

I do whatever the voices tell me to do. 

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother. 

Slogan of 105.9, the classic rock radio station in Chicago: Of 
all the radio stations in Chicago ... we're one of them. 

Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change. 

Applying computer technology is simply finding the right wrench 
to pound in the correct screw. 

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it 
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries 
  with that?" 

When cryptography is outlawed, bayl bhgynjf jvyy unir cevinpl. 

Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom:  No matter how great your 
triumphs or how tragic your defeats, approximately one billion 
Chinese couldn't care less. 

668: The Neighbor of the Beast 

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 

Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma. 

Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less 
confusing that way. 

Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I 
predict, Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile 
disease". Disraeli replied, "That all depends, sir, upon whether 
I embrace your principles or your mistress." 

Calvin: People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but 
they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots 
in the world.
Hobbes: Isn't your pants zipper supposed to be in the front? 

On one occasion a student burst into his office.  "Professor 
Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this F you've given me."  To 
which Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the 
lowest grade the University will allow me to award." 

G:   "If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?" 
EB:  "Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air 
and scatter oneself over a wide area." 
  -- Somewhere in No Man's Land, BA4 

Forget about world peace -- how about visualizing your turn signal 

I didn't fight my way up to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian 

Lottery -- a tax on people who are bad at math 

We have enough youth.  How about a Fountain of Smart? 

So many stupid people, so few comets 

That wasn't an office. It was Hell with fluorescent lighting. 

You! Off my planet! 

Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose. 

I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert. 

If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil... 

I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one. 

I just want revenge. Is that so wrong? 

Earth is full. Go home. 

Meandering to a different drummer. 

Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some don't have film. 

Save the whales.  Collect the whole set. 

A day without sunshine is like, night. 

Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock. 

On the other hand, you have different fingers. 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 

When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it. 

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe. 

He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. 

She's always late.  Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower. 

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 

Honk if you love peace and quiet. 

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. 

He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 

Cross the river, then insult the crocodiles. 

In case of emergency, break glass. Scream. Bleed to death. 

Some minds should be cultivated, others plowed under. 

Ulcers are something you get from mountain climbing over molehills. 

Door: What a cat is perpetually on the wrong side of. 

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. 

The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 

Money can't buy happiness... 
But it sure makes misery easier to live with.. 

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill.  Check 3 
friends. If they're OK, you're it. 

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. 

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. 

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 
appreciates how difficult it was. 

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel 
happy to be on your way. 

Clothes make the man.  Naked people have little or no influence on 

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you 
left them to where you can't find them. 

Law of Probability Dispersal:  Whatever it is that hits the fan will 
not be evenly distributed. 

I started out with nothing...I still have most of it. 

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart. 

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded. 

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair. 

If all is not lost, where is it? 

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser. 

If at first you do succeed, try not to look too astonished. 

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging. 

Nostalgia isn't what is used to be. 

A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle. 

It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden 
stop at the end. 

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free 
trip round the sun. 

Lead me not into temptation (I can find the way myself). 

If you're living on the edge, make sure you're wearing your 
seat belt. 

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 

A closed mouth gathers no feet. 

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 

Q: What do you call a man who lost 95% of his brain? 
A: A widower 

Q: Why are men and parking spaces alike? 
A: Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are 

Equality is a myth -- women are better! 

Most men prefer looks to brains because most men see better than they 

Q: Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring 
and good-looking? 
A: Because those men already have boyfriends. 

Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire 
telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.  You pull his tail in New 
York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles.  Do you understand this? 
And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they 
receive them there.  The only difference is that there is no cat." 

Ahhh... I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again

I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

How about never? Is never good for you?

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.

I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.

I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

No, my powers can only be used for good.

You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication.

Who me? I just wander from room to room.

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the

And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?

Do I look like a fucking people person?

This isn't an office.  It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

I pretend to work.  They pretend to pay me.

Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

If I throw a stick, will you leave?

You!...  Off my planet!

If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

Errors have been made.  Others will be blamed.

A PBS mind in an MTV world.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

A woman's favorite position is CEO.

A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen
asleep yet.

Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

I plead contemporary insanity.

And which dwarf are you?

How do I set a laser printer to stun?

Meandering to a different drummer.

I majored in liberal arts.  Will that be for here or to go?

A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen and this kitchen is delirious.

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the
impression he just cleaned the whole house.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never
cease to be amused.

A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

Help keep the kitchen clean - eat out.

Housework done properly can kill you.

Countless numbers of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on
to lead normal lives.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

Housework is evil & must be stopped.

"There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."

"Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this."

"There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned
by cats."

If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a better job.....Someday.

The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.

Doing the job RIGHT the first time gets the job done.  However Doing the job
WRONG 14 times gives you job security.

If you think we are a bad company you should see the competition.

Rome didn't create a great empire by having meetings.  They did it by killing
all those that opposed them.

We put the K in Kwality.

Two days without a human Rights Violation

Your job is still better than asking, "You want fries with that?"

We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to
call in sick.

If at first you don't succeed, try getting a management job.

Teamwork means never having to take the blame all by yourself.

The beatings will continue until the morale improves.

I don't believe in miracles.  I rely on them.

Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

I hate everybody, and you're next.

Please don't make me kill you.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're ok now.

Warning:  I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

Don't worry.  It'll only seem kinky the first time...

Of course I don't look busy...I did it right the first time.

Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

I'm multi-talented:  I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

Do NOT start with me.  You will NOT win.

You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

I'm one of those bad things that happen to good people.

How can I miss you if you won't go away?

Sorry if I looked interested. I'm not.

Don't piss me off!  I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

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