Attributed Quotes

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"In a sense, Deng Xiaoping's death was inevitable, wasn't it?" 
"Er, yes." 
  -- Channel 4 News 

A beginning is the end of something, always. 
  -- Spider Robinson, "Satan's Children" 

America -- you're an unfriendly waitress with bad cappuccino 
  -- The Foremen, "Black", _What's Left_ 

An end is the beginning of something, always. 
  -- Spider Robinson, "Satan's Children" 

And he went on, and there was yellow light, and fire within; 
and the evening meal was ready, and he was expected. 
And Rose drew him in, and set him in his chair, and put 
little Elanor upon his lap. 
He drew a deep breath.  'Well, I'm back,' he said 
  -- J.R.R. Tolkien, "The Return of The King" 

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. 
  -- Richard Bach 

I am capable of what every other human is capable of. 
  -- Maya Angelou 

I pledge allegiance to the flag of the multinational corporations 
and to the profit for which they stand, one interlocking directorate 
under no government, indivisible, with monopoly and cheap labor for all. 
  -- U. Utah Phillips, "Stupid's Pledge" 

I pledge allegiance to the brands of the Coca-Cola States of America 
and to the Burger King for which it stands one Nike under greed with 
liberty and justice for Bill Gates. 
  -- t-shirt 

I'm sorry, you've just run out of pixels. Please enter your credit card 
number to order more. 
  -- Mark Hamburg

If you will pardon my candor, I might remark that you are something of an ass. 
  -- John Clayton, Lord Greystoke, "Tarzan of the Apes" 

Management Principle #148. Avoid the Impossible 
  -- Alan M. Davis, "201 Principles of Software Development" 

No matter how far you've gone down the wrong road, turn back. 
  -- Turkish proverb 

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes 
off of your goal. 
  --  Hannah Moore 

One of the advantages of being disorderly is that one is constantly 
making exciting discoveries. 
  -- A.A. Milne 

Programming today is a race between Software Engineers 
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, 
and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. 
So far, the Universe is winning. 
  -- Rich Cook 

Still, being female is often a comical proposition in this world, 
and being a Texas feminist is a particularly oxymoronic vocation. 
  -- Molly Ivins 

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 
discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...' 
  -- Isaac Asimov 

This isn't Flying...It's Falling With Style 
  -- Toy Story 

To have half the kids at or above the median 
certainly is more positive than other indicators 
  -- Joan Herman, National Center for Research 
  on Evaluation, Standards and Student Testing 

We don't expect kittens to fight wildcats and win -- 
   We just expect them to try. 
  -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Starship Troopers" 

We plan ahead, that way we don't do anything right now. 
  -- Kevin Bacon, "Tremors" 

We were flirting with the waitresses and drinking like fish. 
  -- Dr. Johnny Wilson 

Where Dogs Eat Dictionaries and Vomit Complete Sentences 
  -- The Foremen, "Black", _What's Left_ 

Who controls the past controls the future:  who controls the present 
controls the past. 
  -- George Orwell, "1984" 

Morale is low. There is talk of mutiny. We dream of quitting and 
becoming lifeguards on 'Baywatch'. Death to the pointy-haired one. 
  -- Dilbert, 94.7.04 

Spamming is the scourge of electronic-mail and newsgroups on the 
Internet. It can seriously interfere with the operation of public services, 
to say nothing of the effect it may have on any individual's e-mail mail 
system. ... Spammers are, in effect, taking resources away from users 
and service suppliers without compensation and without authorization. 
  -- Vint Cerf, Senior Vice President, MCI 
     "Father of the Internet" 

One does not thank logic. 
  -- Spock 

The greatest victory is to win without fighting. 
  -- Sun Tzu, "The Art of War" 

They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary safety 
deserve neither liberty nor safety. 
  -- B. Franklin 

It has been my experience that folks who have no vices have very few 
virtues. 
  -- A. Lincoln 

My definition of a free society is a society where it is safe to be 
unpopular. 
  -- Adlai Stevenson 

The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the 
Christian religion. 
  -- G. Washington, 1796 

Restriction of free thought and free speech is the most dangerous of all 
subversions. It is the one un-American act that could most easily defeat 
us. 
  -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 

Computers have enabled people to make more mistakes faster than almost 
any invention in history, with the possible exception of tequila and 
hand guns. 
  -- Mitch Ratcliffe 

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts -- for support 
rather than illumination. 
  -- Lang, Andrew (1844-1912) 

The things we fear most in organization - fluctuations, disturbances, 
imbalances - are the primary sources of creativity. 
  -- Margaret J. Wheatley - 

They were so strong in their beliefs that there came a time when it 
hardly mattered what exactly those beliefs were; they all fused into 
a single stubbornness. 
  -- Louise Erdrich 

Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn to 
smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. 
  -- Mary Ellen Kelly 

The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do. 
  -- Walter Bagehot 

We rest here while we can, but we hear the ocean calling in our dreams, 
And we know by the morning, the wind will fill our sails to test the seams, 
The calm is on the water and part of us would linger by the shore, 
For ships are safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for. 
  -- Michael Lille 

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous 
and give the wrong answers. 
  -- A Bit of Fry and Laurie 

The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain, 
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The 
hypothalamus controls the Four F's: 1. fighting;  2. fleeing; 
3. feeding; and  4. mating. 
  -- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course 

What is a committee?  A group of the unwilling, picked from the 
unfit, to do the unnecessary. 
  -- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960 

Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had 
years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, 
make some of the worst movies in the history of the world. 
  -- Dave Barry 

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian 
because I hate plants. 
  -- A. Whitney Brown 

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely 
rearranging their prejudices. 
  -- William James 

Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of 
tapes hurtling down the highway. 
  -- Andrew Tannenbaum 

We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom 
that is in it - and stop there;  lest we be like the cat that 
sits down on a hot stove-lid.  She will never sit down on a hot 
stove-lid again, and that is well; but also she will never sit 
down on a cold one anymore. 
  -- Mark Twain 

There's so much comedy on television.  Does that cause comedy in 
the streets? 
  -- Dick Cavett 

If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving 
an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life 
without even considering if there are men on base. 
  -- Dave Barry 

I am sick unto death of obscure English towns that exist 
seemingly for the sole accommodation of these so-called limerick 
writers and even sicker of their residents, all of whom suffer 
from physical deformities and spend their time dismembering 
relatives at fancy dress balls. 
  -- Editor of the Limerick Times (Limerick, Ireland) 

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather 
straps. 
  -- Emo Phillips 

Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a 
mistake when you make it again. 
  -- F. P. Jones 

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to 
learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for 
their apparent disinclination to do so. 
  -- Douglas Adams, "Last Chance to See" 

As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not 
important that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying 
me so much money. What's important is that you continue to do so. 
  -- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney 

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, 
a woman in the audience stood up and said, "Yes, but is it the 
God the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't 
believe?" 
  -- Quentin Crisp 

Boundary, n.  In political geography, an imaginary line between 
two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the 
imaginary rights of another. 
  -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 

I think that all right-thinking people in this country are sick 
and tired of being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up 
in this country with being sick and tired.  I'm certainly not! 
But I'm sick and tired of being told that I am! 
  -- Monty Python 

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. 
  -- George Carlin 

Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent 
revolution inevitable. 
  -- John F. Kennedy 

Life may have no meaning.  Or even worse, it may have a meaning 
of which I disapprove. 
  -- Ashleigh Brilliant 

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 
  -- Ashleigh Brilliant 

Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 
  -- Oscar Wilde 

Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you 
think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
  1. Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
  2. Advising the President. 
  3. Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. 
  -- David Letterman 

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow 
but phone calls taper off. 
  -- Johnny Carson 

The most important thing in the programming language is the name. 
A language will not succeed without a good name. I have recently 
invented a very good name and now I am looking for a suitable 
language. 
  -- D. E. Knuth, 1967 

A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when 
you least expect it.  That would make you quite unpopular in 
what's left of your unit. 
  -- In the August 1993 issue, page 9, of PS magazine, 
  the Army's magazine of preventive maintenance 

Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts 
avoiding you. 
  -- Old Farmer's Almanac 

The mind is not a vessel to be filled but a fire to be kindled. 
  -- Plutarch 

The only difference between me and a madman is that I am not mad. 
  -- Salvador Dali 

I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to 
anyone, but they've always worked for me. 
  -- Hunter S. Thompson 

Sacred cows make the best hamburger. 
  -- Mark Twain 

Time's fun when you're having flies. 
  -- Kermit The Frog 

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, "Where have I gone 
wrong?" Then a voice says to me, "This is going to take more than 
one night." 
  -- Charlie Brown, "Peanuts" [Charles Schulz] 

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking 5 
miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know where 
the hell she is. 
  -- Ellen DeGeneres 

If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the 
video camera and come help me. 
  -- Bobcat Goldthwait 

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. 
At least they can find Kuwait. 
  -- A. Whitney Brown 

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. 
That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and go 
to my sister's house and ask her for money. 
  -- Kevin Meaney 

I'm a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I'll forget. 
  -- Michael McShane 

Maybe there is no actual place called hell.  Maybe hell is just 
having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses 
when they're eating sandwiches. 
  -- Jim Carrey 

Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery.  Don't eat 
pork.  I'm sorry, what was that last one??  Don't eat pork. God 
has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that pigs trying to 
outsmart everybody? 
  -- Jon Stewart 

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the 
lake and threw her off the boat.  That's how she learned how to swim.  
I said, 'Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.' 
  -- Paula Poundstone 

In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly 
in a single file line from smallest to tallest.  What is the logic?  
Do tall people burn slower? 
  -- Warren Hutcherson 

I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the 
Republicans were running the country. 
Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to 
stop your headache. 
  -- Jack Mayberry 

I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock 
every other one.  I figure no matter how long somebody stands there 
picking the locks, they are always locking three. 
  -- Elayne Boosler 

I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out 
on myself. 
  -- Judy Tenuta 

Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet 
soup? 
  -- John Mendoza 

Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a 
second. 
  -- Steven Wright 

Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should 
treat it like one.  If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, 
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, 
and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp. 
  -- Bob Ettinger 

A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal 
skills than men.   just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh. 
  -- Conan O'Brien 

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and 
they would only play with each other. 
  -- Rita Rudner 

I haven't taken my Christmas lights down. They look so nice on the pumpkin. 
  -- Winston Spear 

I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-Span and 
the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a 
congressman. 
  -- Bruce Baum 

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit. 
That's why you should never date a baseball player. 
  -- Marsha Warfield 

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to 
use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That 
may be.  But I think there's one other thing that separates us from 
animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. 
  -- Jeff Stilson 

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think 
that's how dogs spend their lives. 
  -- Sue Murphy 

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans 
is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three 
best friends. If they are okay, then it's you. 
  -- Rita Mae Brown 

My grandfather's a little forgetful, but he likes to give me 
advice. One day, he took me aside and left me there. 
  -- Ron Richards 

I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up 
something else. 
  -- Lily Tomlin 

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say 
the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire? 
  -- Rita Rudner 

I was raised by just my mom.  See, my father died when I was eight 
years old. At least, that's what he told us in the letter. 
  -- Drew Carey 

The ad in the paper said 'Big Sale. Last Week.' Why advertise? I 
already missed it. They're just rubbing it in. 
  -- Yakov Smirnoff 

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease. 
  -- Bill Maher 

You know how to tell if the teacher is hung over?? Movie Day. 
  -- Jay Mohr 

A women broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new 
boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad. 
  -- Christopher Case 

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty 
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all 
over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get 
rid of the body before you do the wash. 
  -- Jerry Seinfeld 

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always 
say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my 
mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her. 
  -- Ellen DeGeneres 

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of 
four people make up 75 percent of the population. 
  -- David Letterman 

I was in a supermarket and I saw Paul Newman's face on salad 
dressing and spaghetti sauce....I thought he was missing. 
  -- Bob Saget 

If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and 
Gomorrah an apology. 
  -- Jay Leno 

Chihuahua. There's a waste of dog food. Looks like a dog that is 
still far away. 
  -- Billiam Coronell 

I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me 
was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, 'I should 
hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?' 
  -- Larry Miller 

A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede 
jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. 
I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. 
Now I'll have to kill you, too.' 
  -- Jake Johansen 

If your parents never had children, chances are you won't 
either. 
  -- Dick Cavett 

I have such poor vision I can date anybody. 
  -- Garry Shandling 

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight. 
  -- Rita Rudner 

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific. 
  -- Lily Tomlin 

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a 
war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever see that 
little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon 
there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers.  'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get 
past me, the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon.  Back off. I've got the 
toe clippers right here.' 
  -- Jerry Seinfeld 

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through 
my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow 
learner. 
  -- Lynda Montgomery 

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what 
to feed it. 
  -- Steven Wright 

What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me? 
  -- Marilyn Pittman 

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators 
would be dead. 
  -- Johnny Carson 

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you see okay? 
  -- John Mendoza 

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold 
them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!' 
  -- Bruce Baum 

If God dropped acid, would he see people? 
  -- Steven Wright 

I met a new girl at a barbecue, very pretty, a blond I think. I 
don't know, her hair was on fire, and all she talked about was herself. 
You know these kind of girls: 'I'm hot. I'm on fire. Me, me, me.' You 
know. 'Help me, put me out.' Come on, could we talk about me just a little 
bit? 
  -- Garry Shandling 

Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. 
  -- Paul Rodriguez 

My mother calls at five-thirty in the morning. I'm not a dairy 
farm. I don't like phone calls before six in the morning. 
  -- Richard Lewis 

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just 
by standing up really fast. 
  -- Johnathan Katz 

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but 
when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? 
  -- Lily Tomlin 

When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in 
the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? 
  -- Robin Williams 

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, 
but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. 
  -- Jerry Seinfeld 

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New 
York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just 
isn't cold enough. Let's go west.' 
  -- Richard Jeni 

I have a microwave fireplace in my house. The other night I laid 
down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes. 
  -- Steven Wright 

And always remember the last words of my grandfather who said, 
'A truck!' 
  -- Emo Phillips 

I recently received your chain letter.  Over 1,000 people have 
sent me chain letters, and every one of them has died within six 
months, probably from the "Chain Letter Sender's Curse."  You 
will probably die soon if you experience any of the following 
symptoms:  1) Tiredness at bedtime, 2) Hunger just before lunch, 
3) Inability to remember your license plate number, or 4) Stupidity. 
  -- Dogbert's DNRC Newsletter 22.0 

If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in queer to work.  "Hello, can't 
work today. Still queer." 
	-- Robin Tyler 

My Aunt Lorraine said, "Bob, you're gay.  Are you seeing a psychiatrist?" 
I said, "No. I'm seeing a lieutenant in the Navy." 
	-- Bob Smith 

I don't even consider myself bisexual.  Frankly, I just think of myself as 
a "people person." 
	-- Michael Dane 

Labels can also be misleading.  I saw a news report about a lesbian protest 
march, and the reporter said, "Coming up next, a lesbian demonstration." 
My first thought was, "Cool.  I always wondered how those things work." 
	-- Michael Dane 

I know that some lesbians are getting pregnant by going to sperm banks.  I 
couldn't do that.  I'm exactly like my grandmother.  "What? Everything's 
frozen?!  Nothing's fresh?!" 
	-- Michael Dane 

I came out to a straight friend and told her that I'm a lesbian.  The first 
thing she said to me was: "Really? Do you know Jill McGee?  She's a lesbian 
in Philadelphia!"  Pardon me for laughing, but straight people are so funny! 
They think we all know each other!  Actually, I do know her.  But, hey, it's 
just a coincidence! 
	-- Karen Ripley 

I do not care whether they allow gays in the military or not, because the 
whole idea of the military strikes me as completely absurd.  I do not 
understand the desire to pick up a gun and go off and shoot strangers when 
there are so many loved ones I'd like to take a shot at first.  I'd have to 
reload several times to get every one on my particular hit list of love. 
	-- E.L. Greggory 

Yes, I was a teenage lesbian.  And while that may sound like a horror movie 
to some of you, for me I could subtitle that period of my life, "Adventures 
in Paradise," because there was one thing that we gay teenagers could do 
that our straight friends couldn't.  I could say, "Hey, Mom, Michelle's 
comin' over to spend the night Friday night, OK?"  "OK, Honey!" 
	-- Marilyn Pittman 

I do a lot of traveling as a comic.  I've traveled through the Bible Belt. 
"Belt" is too narrow a word, I think.  It should be "Bible cummerbund."  Or 
maybe "Bible Body Cast." 
	-- Sabrina Matthews 

Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends.  What 
must hell possibly be like?  Home videos of the same reunion? 
	-- Sabrina Matthews 

By the end of the millenium five 
men controlled the world's media.
And the people rejoiced, 
because their TVs told them to.
  -- Michael Moore

"Ah, yes, 'divorce,' from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's
genitals through his wallet."
  -- Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the
only time of the month that I can be myself."
  -- Roseanne

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable
undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other
women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are
just grateful."
  -- Jay Leno

"We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front
lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can.
All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, 'You see
the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms."
  -- Elayne Boosler

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are
having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe
swelling. So what's the problem?"
  -- Jay Leno

"The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent
because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going
from semiautomatics to Uzis."
  -- Conan O'Brien

"Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a
plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across
that floor. I told him he was grounded."
  -- Tim Allen

"Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband
forgot the code to turn off the house alarm. When the police came,he
couldn't admit he'd forgotten the code, so he turned himself in."
  -- Rita Rudner

(On going to war over religion:) "You're basically killing each
other to see who's got the better imaginary friend."
  -- Rich Jeni

"I got kicked out of Riverdance for using my arms."
  -- Gary Valentine

"I used to smoke pot until I came to the conclusion...what was that
conclusion, anyway?"
  -- Rich Jeni

(On the difference between men and women:) "On the one hand, we'll
never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own
jars.
  -- Jeff Green

"Women like posh hotels; there's more for them to steal. Take them to
posh hotel and they all turn into the Artful Dodger.?
  -- Jeff Green

"And God said: 'Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything
on Me. And let there be lawyers. so people don't blame everything on
Satan.'"
  -- John Wing

"What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere?
'Hold my purse.'"
  -- Francois Morency

"The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a
twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out
there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'
and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'"
  -- Rich Jeni

"Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die."
  -- Tim Steeves

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole
relationships.
  -- Jimmy Shubert

"There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane:
Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.
  -- Rich Jeni

"I was born in Nicaragua and I felt there wasn't enough political
instability in my life. So I moved to Quebec."
  -- Marta Chaves

"To make a long story short, Rhett and Scarlett split up in the
end."
  -- Flacco

(On American broadcasters' decision to make the puck in NHL hockey
broadcasts glow) "Apparently the black puck on the white ice wasn't
contrast enough. That's funny, because Americans don't usually have
trouble distinguishing black from white."
  -- Tim Steeves

"My sister married a German. He complained he couldn't get a good
bagel back home. I said: 'Well, whose fault is that?'"
  -- Emo Philips

(On the 1-800 hotline number on a jar of pickles) "Who the hell's
got pickle questions?"
  -- Tim Steeves

(On the necessity of having a 24-hour pickle hotline) "You got
brine problems that can't wait until morning?"
  -- Tim Steeves

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex-no matter what she's
reading."
  -- Emo Philips

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives,
but he never forgets (oral sex) no matter how bad it is."
  -- Lenny Clarke

"I have little compassion for people in trailer parks who refuse to
move after getting tornado warnings. How hard is it for them to
relocate? Their house have wheels."
  -- Carlos Mencia

"They had things on the Brady Bunch that I never saw in my house.
Breakfast, for example.
  -- Rich Jeni

"My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the 
natural enemy of a tightrope walker."
  -- Emo Philips

"The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated
is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut the first time you
meet him."
  -- Rich Jeni

"Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're
in."
  -- Rich Jeni

"And then there's the diner who asks if the fish at a restaurant is
fresh. What are they going to tell you? 'No, it's four days old and
stinks to high heaven.'"
  -- Jean-Marie Bigard

"When I was young, my father had a serious heart attack. He
survived, but we lost our house and car. Under the Canadian Medicare
system, though, we would have kept the house and car and would have just
had to pay the inheritance tax."
  -- Emo Philips

"Wanna play a joke on your chiropractor? The next time he starts
working on you, go limp and soil yourself."
  -- Mike Wilmot

"Why do people suck in their stomachs in when they weigh
themselves?  So they can see the scale."
  -- Marta Chaves

"I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in
poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are
apparently doing quite well for themselves.
  -- Emo Philips

"I'm the second-most-famous person from Timmins, Ontario.- after
Shania Twain. That's like being the second-most-famous person from
Bethlehem. No one cares about Duncan of Bethlehem."
  -- Derek Edwards

"I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be
devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot."
 -- Kevin James

(On how a full-bodied sort of dad keeps his children fit and trim)
"I like to promote fitness by walking around home in my underwear."
 -- Mike Wilmot

"Capital punishment turns the State into a murderer. But
imprisonment turns the State into a gay dungeon-master."
  -- Emo Philips

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
  -- Rich Jeni

"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats."
  -- Dave Platt

"Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow."
  -- Jeff Valdez

"In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
  -- English proverb

"As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
  -- Ellen Perry Berkeley

"One cat just leads to another."
  -- Ernest Hemingway

"Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you
later."
  -- Mary Bly

"Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
  -- Joseph Wood Krutch

"I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior."
  -- Hippolyte Taine

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know
I'm not dumb ... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
  -- Dolly Parton

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly
ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy.
  -- Erica Jong

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my
friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even
want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
  -- Rita Rudner

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.
  -- Wendy Liebman

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
  -- Erma Bombeck

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them.
  -- Sue Grafton

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
 -- Roseanne

I think-therefore I'm single.
  -- Lizz Winstead

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
  -- Elayne Boosler

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
  -- Maryon Pearson

I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch.
  -- Gilda Radner

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you
want anything done, ask a woman.
  -- Margaret Thatcher

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine
marriage and a career.
  -- Gloria Steinhem

I never married because there was no need. I have three
pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which
swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night.
  -- Marie Corelli

Nagging is the repetition of unpalatable truths.
  -- Baroness Edith Summerskill

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing
neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by
tying a little noose around your neck?
  -- Linda Ellerbee

I am a marvelous housekeeper.  Every time I leave a man
I keep his house.
  -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

"We are what we repeatedly do.  Excellence is therefore not an act, but
a habit."
  -- Aristotle

"It's all fun and games until one of these guys gets elected."
  -- Boondocks

My personal experience suggests we tend to overestimate our 
design capabilities.
  -- Bill Joy

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